Sonic Youth, "Daydream Nation"

Checked out the Sonic Youth album "Daydream Nation" yesterday from the library because I don't own a copy anymore and thought I'd give it another listen. I used to have it on tape. This would probably be one of my desert island discs because it does not tire with repeated listenings and is simply a gorgeous bundle of noise and music. I would recommend this album to anyone interested in underground, indie, rock or punk music. It's simply one of the greatest records of all time.

Johnny Thunders and Solitaire

I was listening to this fantastic Rhino Records compilation (4 cds) of Punk music and the song "Chinese Rock" came on:

Somebody called me on the phone
Hey is DeeDee home...

I'm living on Chinese rock
All my best things are in hock
I'm living on Chinese rock
Everything is in the pawn shop

At least I think that is the lyric. It's such a cool song, I played it again this morning. Last night I was playing Solitaire on the computer and realized, I'm not living on Chinese Rocks today, and I am grateful for that. Still, the grit and grime and New York-ness of that song gets to me somehow. Johnny Thunders and the Heartbreakers did it. DeeDee Ramone wrote it. The Ramones have done the song, too. It's a classic. The heartbreak of heroin addiction written very matter-of-factly. And there I was, just playing some Solitaire and having a very mellow evening. I even did the dishes. Then this song just hit me in the solar plexus and I dug it big time.

Inspiring Words By Tama J. Kieves

A Message from Tama Kieves

The Secret to More Energy: Tap the Geyser of Your Gifts I talked to a woman who had been very gifted in music, but who hadn't pursued it as an adult. "I am afraid of failing," she said, but as we talked further, she admitted in the quiet tones of held back truth, that she felt like a failure now. She felt tired and angry, out of sorts with her life. I don't blame her. It takes more effort to create a life you don't want than to create the life you crave.An unused gift is a keg of dynamite. It's dangerous. It leaks out and begins to poison you. It haunts your cells with a hoarse song, "use me or die, use me or die." Your gifts are powerful energy sources. It takes so much energy to hold back life. It hurts to choose smallness. It hurts to let yourself down in secret ways, muffling the cries that no one else hears. It hurts to resist the evolutionary instinct within you to grow, express, go beyond survival and thrive, and stake your one true place upon this planet.Brother David Stendl Ross said "The answer to exhaustion is not rest. It's wholeheartedness." Doesn't that make you sit up straight or want to volunteer to be put on active duty in your life? I know it's true. After I left a high paced legal career, I spent a year napping, and wandering in my own home like a small child lost at the mall. I'd keep seeing familiar things, but I couldn't find any bearing. I felt exhausted and burdened and overwhelmed. Finally, I realized that I was "resting" in order to avoid myself. I wasn't exhausted by my efforts in life, but by my lack of efforts - my lack of dedication to do the things that mattered most to me.An unused gift (or one you don't take all the way to harvest) will quietly annihilate your life. I think it's a national threat. I think the Surgeon General should put it up there with smoking cigarettes, asbestos, uranium, and, maybe, mean small-spirited people who run for office. It's not that you'll keel over because you didn't start taking photographs or take the trip you always wanted to take. But you will walk off kilter. Your heart will beat with labor as though it has to pick up an extra thousand pounds. Your hair may be brittle and your voice will crack when you say your name. There is something unrighteous about not singing your song, doing what you came here to do. And it can change this minute, this very second. You can choose to love yourself this way.I urge you to do what you love and share it, now. Speak for free about a cause you believe in. Paint cards and give them to someone. Get out of the mentality that it has to end up in a gallery or you have to get paid a certain amount of money for it to be worth it. You are worth so much more than that kind of limited thinking. Besides, you can't imagine the capacities, passports, and shooting stars you deny yourself by withholding your love.I remember speaking one night at a small church in Minneapolis. I led a meditation, a spontaneous prayer. It felt right, as though a melody and harmony came together in a song I didn't know I would sing. Let's face it, I'm a Jewish girl from Brooklyn, so this didn't seem the kind of thing I would spread on my bagel, so to speak. Not only that, but I'm a finely tuned logical instrument trained at Harvard Law School, so this spiritual, surrender, go into the big union-fest kind of thing wasn't originally on my tour itinerary. But the experience was bigger than my thoughts about myself. The feeling was definitive, even if I had no definition. "I will do this," I heard myself say in the inner sanctum of my being. "I will say yes." I knew I was saying yes to leading, serving, honoring this small voice within me, a voice that used a different alphabet and octave of possibility, and spelled things out in whole new ways. It made no sense to my "practical" self. There was no money to be had here, no fame or recognition. There was nothing I'd submit to my alumni magazine in a billion years or share at a networking group or even a backyard barbecue. Still, I felt as though I was saying yes to bigger questions. I was saying yes to a larger game. I didn't know what I was saying yes to, but the act of saying yes, felt like love of a higher order. I felt as though Spirit was asking me, will you play for my Team? Yes, maybe, I should have asked about the benefits package, but I was teeming with benefits at the time, and feeling something I'd never want to retire from. The questions spread through my cells: Will you trust this goodness? Will you spread light? Will you follow your guidance and ignore the fears and instructions of the world? Will you bless everyone you can by doing what you love? I said yes, then, and I still do.Oh and I'll tell you this. There are so many gifts that come from doing what you love. It's a joke to me that people think they will be poor by following something infinite, invincible, and alive within them. I want to tell them about the increased energy, immunity, clarity and peace. I want to tell them about the ridiculous synchronicities and elves and extra cherries in their cherry bowl. I want to reassure them that they'll shine in colors invisible to the human eye, but not to the human heart; and it's inevitable that everyone wants to hire someone who glows.Mostly I want to tell them about the love. It's a love that has a texture and a depth and a fragrance like nothing else. It's a love that makes the axis of the earth finally tilt in your direction. It's a love that makes all things possible, and nothing necessary. Of course, that love is intangible, but bear in mind that every good thing on this planet started with a delicate desire and a great amount of love. Also, you may think love is intangible, as in insubstantial, but let me say this. No tangible item, income or substance, nothing in this whole world or universe, will ever make up for its absence.Please take care of your energy. I am amazed at how much money we will pump into taking care of our bodies, while we casually and consciously ignore our souls. I watch people go on health kicks. They drink wheat grass for God's sake, while refusing to play the piano or read about starting a yoga studio, or whatever else they long to do. Why pop a thousand vitamins and supplements if you're swallowing poison every night? It's poison to tolerate the boredom, the loneliness, and the relentless haunting. When you do what you love, the loneliness ends. A part of yourself holds and loves you as you have never been loved before.I'm not saying you have to quit your job or move to New York City to dance on Broadway. Start small, because believe me, there are no small steps. Every step you take to honor your dreams is huge. Take 10 minutes and sing, write, brainstorm about your vision or ideal business, meditate, or journal or do the one thing you know would make all the difference to you to do. You know what it is. Start this very second. Or do what it takes to kick start yourself. Go on a weekend retreat. Go to the ends of the earth. Hire a coach, a therapist , a lion tamer or a medicine man or anyone who will tie you down to the mast of your ship, and help you ignore the Sirens, if that's what it takes. Please do whatever it takes to be wholehearted. Save your life and transport it, all at the same time, in this lifetime.An unused gift is a keg of dynamite. It can blow up your life. But if you use it wisely, it can blast through limitations. It can blast through dimensions and galaxies. It can blast through resistance, guilt, doubts, fears, and the sad illusion that you ever had to struggle or be adrift in any way. It can be a blast.(Join Me at the Omega Institute August 13-15 for Unleashing Your Calling: Create the Work and Life You Love! Or again at Kripalu in the Berkshire Mountains during leaf changing season, October 11-15)
Love and blessings,Tama©Copyright 2010 Tama J. Kieves. All rights reserved.

September 19 -- Seattle WACenter for Spiritual LivingTama speaks to the 9:00am and 11:00am services[ More info ]September 19 -- Seattle WACreating the Work You Love!Workshop at Center for Spiritual Living[ More info ]

No NPR For A While

I'm putting myself on a no-news diet. At least until I pull out of this depression. But, I often listen to NPR as a matter of habit. And I get the Everett Herald. I don't have t.v. and don't watch the news, but listening and reading are bad enough. I'll see how long I can last.

Memoir, Etc

I am reading this book by Natalie Goldberg (Writing Down The Bones) called An Old Friend From Far Away. There are various exercises to lead one down the path of memoir. One simple starting point is to write "I remember..." and go from there. So far the book has inspired me to do some writing about my life, my past.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the past because the present just isn't all that exciting. I can't blame anyone but myself for this. Depression, boredom, self-pity, lack of acceptance, etc.
Well, at least I can say I blogged today.

Will Work For Gas or Money

I just found out my bank account is overdrawn. I have a couple of options and they don't thrill me. One is to borrow money from someone. The other is to pawn my bass guitar. The other, third and most uncomfortable option is to do nothing. Do nothing. I get only $30 this week from unemployment, then have to wait at least a week for a decent check.

I am continually disappointed partly because I keep having expectations. I expect that at some point I will have an interview that results in a job. But so far that hasn't happened. I feel a little bit like my whole life is on hold at the moment.

I'm going to look into volunteering more. What else is there to do? I've recently started a memoir as well. Plus daily blogging. I feel as if a giant weight is sitting on my shoulders, and sometimes I wake up at 5a.m. feeling like there is someone watching me. But there is no one there. I am alone.

90 Days of Blogging

I have decided to write something for this blog, or my other one, every day for 90 days. It's kind of a test to see how dedicated I can be as a writer. Since I have such difficulty practicing writing, this may help. I don't know. I got this idea from a friend. His name is Jeff Engels and he has this kick-ass Mariners blog at http://www.jeffsmariners.com . He's been doing it faithfully for the past few months.

We'll see how this works out.

Some Thoughts About Shopping and Fear

"Capitalism is constantly and perpetually disappointing.” Tom Hodgkinson, author of The Freedom Manifesto

I confess that I hate shopping. Going in to a store to purchase anything fills me with so much angst and dread that I avoid it until it becomes apparent, by holes in my underwear or a dirty litter box, or a lack of food in my house, that I must go to the store.

When I say I hate shopping, it is not an active, spit in the face of consumerism hate, although at times I feel that, too. I hate the predatory nature of stores. The way they pander to my basest desires. How they constantly tell me I am getting a good deal, when I know better.

What is ironic is that it is anxiety and boredom that drive me to the stores again and again. I can window shop like a mofo, cruising the aisles, pretending to be mulling over purchases while what I’m really doing is distracting myself from real life. I’m bored, or I’m stuck, or I’m just lonely and wish to be around people. Pathetic.

Oftentimes, shopping fills my brain with so much stimuli and psychic pain I go numb. I go into a kind of trance. But even in a trance I know that what I want is not at the store. I have come home too many times with items which then cause more anxiety than the desire for them did.

I know I have an unhealthy fear and anxiety around money and spending. I feel more comfortable in the hole (because it is familiar), than when I have a fat balance in my account. It feels wrong somehow, to have more than someone else. Somehow, to me, poor=virtuous, while rich=evil. I only need to look at Bill Gates, Sr. and Bill and Melinda Gates to know this is not true. Some poor people are evil. Some wealthy are generous and virtuous at heart. Money is not the problem, nor is it the solution. But I know that my thoughts and attitudes hold me back from making the kind of life I wish for myself.

In my ideal life, I will have divested myself from all debts. I have made all my financial amends and can pay for my education without going further into debt. I can freely travel. I am able to contribute to charity and help others achieve their goals and dreams. Mainly it is freedom from the constant pressure of bills and debts that I want. Someday.

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLOG

There is not really any reason for me to blog because nobody reads the dang thing anyway. When I used to publish ‘zines it at least felt like there was something tangible to hold onto, something physical to give to people. Now I’m just spewing words into the ether. It’s a lot less satisfying. So, I’m going to ask my friends to read my blog and see what response I get. If I get one at all. I am still not quite down with this virtual friend world. Not that I have a lot of virtual friends. Most of my friends are people I see in person from time to time. Being unemployed I have a lot of time to try to structure. I get so distracted from what I want to do. I don't really have much more on this subject, except more and more I want to print my own 'zine again.

Terrified In The Land Of Creativity

I’m scared to do what I need to do to get my books done. Interviewing people is not my strong suit, and that’s what I’m gonna have to do. Gregg Turkington (Neil Hamburger, comedian) told me, “Anything worth doing is worth doing badly”. I love that idea, but I have a Virgo moon and it fucks with my head about myself all the time. So I am putting a plea out into the universe to help me get going again. A spur in my side, gentle, but a spur none-the-less. I need that.

I visited ZAPP at Richard Hugo House yesterday. If you do not know what ZAPP is, it’s Zine Archive Preservation Project. I meant to do some research, but ended up just donating some zines, looking at their rarities, and leaving. I was mostly thinking about my best friend lying in the hospital after knee replacement replacement surgery. Yes, she had her replacement replaced. Ouch. So that made it hard to concentrate.
ZAPP is fuckin’ cool, especially if you are interested in zines. They have zines dealing with music, art, comics, poetry, personal (printed blogs basically) and miscellaneous. They let you make copies of stuff you want to, and it’s pretty freakin’ great. The volunteers are helpful and nice. I was there a few years ago, when it was in the basement of the Hugo House. I remember it smelled like something died in the walls. Now they are upstairs in a nice room that smells more like coffee. The shelves are packed, but they welcome donations.
ZAPP is located in the Capitol (Capital?) Hill section of Seattle. They have very limited hours, but the hours are on the Hugo House website. I’m sure they need volunteers. If I didn’t live in buttfuck Everett I would volunteer. I’m sorry I called it buttfuck Everett. Everett is not that bad. It’s not the greatest, but I have my little places I go that make it tolerable.

Verna’s Everett Places

Stars N Stripes Espresso – I know, the name is so post-9/11, but it is my fave drive-thru espresso place. They really have the cheapest prices. They are located on Evergreen Way and are on the way to my second favorite place.

Advanced Chiropractic – Dr. Beasley (or Dr. Greg) has mad back skills. If you live in Everett and need help with your back you should go see him. He’s nice and his staff are all nice, too. I just can’t afford to see him right now, but his office is close to my next favorite place.

The Evergreen Branch Library – Don’t hate me when I say, you can only use this branch if you live in certain parts of Everett. No, I don’t get it, either, but it probably has to do with funding or something. Anyway, I go there to go online, check out some books, and occasionally smell the sweet smell of homelessness. There but for the grace of God and all that. The staff are pretty cool there, but the branch is not as awesome as my fourth favorite...

The Mukilteo Library – A beautiful library in nearby Mukilteo. It has a fireplace, lots of computers, comfy seating, lots of books (oh, but who goes to the library for books anymore?) (Just kidding) . On a nice day you can walk around back and end up on a trail that goes down into some woods… it’s just so pretty. Love it.