Some Thoughts About Shopping and Fear

"Capitalism is constantly and perpetually disappointing.” Tom Hodgkinson, author of The Freedom Manifesto

I confess that I hate shopping. Going in to a store to purchase anything fills me with so much angst and dread that I avoid it until it becomes apparent, by holes in my underwear or a dirty litter box, or a lack of food in my house, that I must go to the store.

When I say I hate shopping, it is not an active, spit in the face of consumerism hate, although at times I feel that, too. I hate the predatory nature of stores. The way they pander to my basest desires. How they constantly tell me I am getting a good deal, when I know better.

What is ironic is that it is anxiety and boredom that drive me to the stores again and again. I can window shop like a mofo, cruising the aisles, pretending to be mulling over purchases while what I’m really doing is distracting myself from real life. I’m bored, or I’m stuck, or I’m just lonely and wish to be around people. Pathetic.

Oftentimes, shopping fills my brain with so much stimuli and psychic pain I go numb. I go into a kind of trance. But even in a trance I know that what I want is not at the store. I have come home too many times with items which then cause more anxiety than the desire for them did.

I know I have an unhealthy fear and anxiety around money and spending. I feel more comfortable in the hole (because it is familiar), than when I have a fat balance in my account. It feels wrong somehow, to have more than someone else. Somehow, to me, poor=virtuous, while rich=evil. I only need to look at Bill Gates, Sr. and Bill and Melinda Gates to know this is not true. Some poor people are evil. Some wealthy are generous and virtuous at heart. Money is not the problem, nor is it the solution. But I know that my thoughts and attitudes hold me back from making the kind of life I wish for myself.

In my ideal life, I will have divested myself from all debts. I have made all my financial amends and can pay for my education without going further into debt. I can freely travel. I am able to contribute to charity and help others achieve their goals and dreams. Mainly it is freedom from the constant pressure of bills and debts that I want. Someday.