Last Friday I sold the majority of my last remaining records (along with some books), to Singles Going Steady record store located in downtown Seattle. The records were not ones I wanted to part with, but I am in a position right now where I need money more than I need objects that are put away where they had no use. A few of those records I have had since 1980, rare punk gems. The books and records netted me almost $150. Still, as I left without my records and books, a sadness came over me. I felt lost, uncertain, and almost grief-stricken. I also felt relieved, joyous, and free. These mixed feelings were caused by the war inside me between who I was, and who I am today. I am still trying to figure out what to do about my war.
Showing posts with label money. Show all posts
Showing posts with label money. Show all posts
Monday, February 23, 2015
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Will Work For Gas or Money
I just found out my bank account is overdrawn. I have a couple of options and they don't thrill me. One is to borrow money from someone. The other is to pawn my bass guitar. The other, third and most uncomfortable option is to do nothing. Do nothing. I get only $30 this week from unemployment, then have to wait at least a week for a decent check.
I am continually disappointed partly because I keep having expectations. I expect that at some point I will have an interview that results in a job. But so far that hasn't happened. I feel a little bit like my whole life is on hold at the moment.
I'm going to look into volunteering more. What else is there to do? I've recently started a memoir as well. Plus daily blogging. I feel as if a giant weight is sitting on my shoulders, and sometimes I wake up at 5a.m. feeling like there is someone watching me. But there is no one there. I am alone.
I am continually disappointed partly because I keep having expectations. I expect that at some point I will have an interview that results in a job. But so far that hasn't happened. I feel a little bit like my whole life is on hold at the moment.
I'm going to look into volunteering more. What else is there to do? I've recently started a memoir as well. Plus daily blogging. I feel as if a giant weight is sitting on my shoulders, and sometimes I wake up at 5a.m. feeling like there is someone watching me. But there is no one there. I am alone.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Some Thoughts About Shopping and Fear
"Capitalism is constantly and perpetually disappointing.” Tom Hodgkinson, author of The Freedom Manifesto
I confess that I hate shopping. Going in to a store to purchase anything fills me with so much angst and dread that I avoid it until it becomes apparent, by holes in my underwear or a dirty litter box, or a lack of food in my house, that I must go to the store.
When I say I hate shopping, it is not an active, spit in the face of consumerism hate, although at times I feel that, too. I hate the predatory nature of stores. The way they pander to my basest desires. How they constantly tell me I am getting a good deal, when I know better.
What is ironic is that it is anxiety and boredom that drive me to the stores again and again. I can window shop like a mofo, cruising the aisles, pretending to be mulling over purchases while what I’m really doing is distracting myself from real life. I’m bored, or I’m stuck, or I’m just lonely and wish to be around people. Pathetic.
Oftentimes, shopping fills my brain with so much stimuli and psychic pain I go numb. I go into a kind of trance. But even in a trance I know that what I want is not at the store. I have come home too many times with items which then cause more anxiety than the desire for them did.
I know I have an unhealthy fear and anxiety around money and spending. I feel more comfortable in the hole (because it is familiar), than when I have a fat balance in my account. It feels wrong somehow, to have more than someone else. Somehow, to me, poor=virtuous, while rich=evil. I only need to look at Bill Gates, Sr. and Bill and Melinda Gates to know this is not true. Some poor people are evil. Some wealthy are generous and virtuous at heart. Money is not the problem, nor is it the solution. But I know that my thoughts and attitudes hold me back from making the kind of life I wish for myself.
In my ideal life, I will have divested myself from all debts. I have made all my financial amends and can pay for my education without going further into debt. I can freely travel. I am able to contribute to charity and help others achieve their goals and dreams. Mainly it is freedom from the constant pressure of bills and debts that I want. Someday.
I confess that I hate shopping. Going in to a store to purchase anything fills me with so much angst and dread that I avoid it until it becomes apparent, by holes in my underwear or a dirty litter box, or a lack of food in my house, that I must go to the store.
When I say I hate shopping, it is not an active, spit in the face of consumerism hate, although at times I feel that, too. I hate the predatory nature of stores. The way they pander to my basest desires. How they constantly tell me I am getting a good deal, when I know better.
What is ironic is that it is anxiety and boredom that drive me to the stores again and again. I can window shop like a mofo, cruising the aisles, pretending to be mulling over purchases while what I’m really doing is distracting myself from real life. I’m bored, or I’m stuck, or I’m just lonely and wish to be around people. Pathetic.
Oftentimes, shopping fills my brain with so much stimuli and psychic pain I go numb. I go into a kind of trance. But even in a trance I know that what I want is not at the store. I have come home too many times with items which then cause more anxiety than the desire for them did.
I know I have an unhealthy fear and anxiety around money and spending. I feel more comfortable in the hole (because it is familiar), than when I have a fat balance in my account. It feels wrong somehow, to have more than someone else. Somehow, to me, poor=virtuous, while rich=evil. I only need to look at Bill Gates, Sr. and Bill and Melinda Gates to know this is not true. Some poor people are evil. Some wealthy are generous and virtuous at heart. Money is not the problem, nor is it the solution. But I know that my thoughts and attitudes hold me back from making the kind of life I wish for myself.
In my ideal life, I will have divested myself from all debts. I have made all my financial amends and can pay for my education without going further into debt. I can freely travel. I am able to contribute to charity and help others achieve their goals and dreams. Mainly it is freedom from the constant pressure of bills and debts that I want. Someday.
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